Worthless
by mathew'smom
Summary: Piper deals with the issues associated with depression following the birth of Chris. Hints of suicidal ideations and self mutilation.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer; I don't own Charmed.

She should be happy. There were many people who loved her and she had two beautiful babies that needed her. That wasn't the problem.

She was the problem.

"Piper?"

Someone came into the room. She curled up tightly in the bed and hoped whoever it was would think she was asleep.

The person left the room without saying anything else to her.

She felt like she couldn't handle anything anymore. Why bother anyway? As soon as she got something figured out more crap would pop up that she couldn't handle.

She felt like no one needed her anyway. She was replaceable except for the Power of Three crap. It had given her a lot but it had also taken away more from her than she had been able to lose. If she was gone, they would be saved from having to deal with it.

She remained on the bed, wanting to cry, but she found she couldn't. She spent a majority of her time wishing something would happen and she could die. She wasn't sure she could follow through with killing herself but if it was fate, even a fate she pushed herself into...

She had spent the first few weeks of this chasing demons – on a one-woman mission with the ultimate goal of losing; but she was always joined by her sisters and refused to allow them to get hurt and always wound up killing the demons before they killed her.

So that made her feel like a failure too. So she resigned herself to laying on her bed, feeling horrible about her life and the choices she had made to get herself to this point.

She heard one of the babies crying. It didn't matter anyway. There were many people in this house that were ready and willing to take care of them. They'd probably be more comfortable with one of them anyway.

She fell asleep praying that the "higher power" would take her and finally give her some piece.

"


	2. Chapter 2

Leo walked into her room with baby Chris and handed him to his wife, "Here, he needs you."

"No, he doesn't. He needs someone but he doesn't need me."

"Of course he needs you, you're his mother."

"I don't feel like his mother. A mother is supposed to protect and love her babies. I look at Chris and I don't feel like he's my child. I can't protect him anyway. He died and I did nothing about it. He needs someone that can save him."

"Here take him." Leo shoved the baby at Piper and she took him reluctantly.

She looked down at the child and tried to feel like his mother and like she did when her other child was born. She really didn't feel much of a connection to this kid though. God she wished she did...

"Here, take him back." She handed Chris back to Leo and Chris stopped crying.

"See, he doesn't need me."

"Oh honey, you're just nervous and he's picking up on that."

"Could you just leave?" she requested impatiently.

He looked at her "Let me..."

She flicked her wrist and the vase in the corner blew up.

"Piper..."

"Please, just leave me alone."

"Let me know if you need to talk."

Piper remained silent and once again buried herself in the bed. She wasn't ready to talk.

Leo met with Pheobe and Paige in the kitchen. "She's not doing too well. I can't get her out of bed, even for Chris."

"What can we do?" Paige asked.

"I don't know what we can do. Maybe we can get her to go see a psychiatrist or something. I guess I could grab her and orb her there, I don't know that we can get her to go willingly."

"I wish I knew what we could do for her."

"We can't do anything for her unless she wants us to."

The three stood once more silently in the kitchen.

Piper sat up in her bed. God she was so tired of feeling like this. She got up and started making her bed. As she tucked the edge of a blanket under the bed the other side came undone. "I can't do anything right." She cried as she retreated from the room.

"Ok, calm down," she thought to herself, "you can at least go take care of your child.... Children."

She walked into the nursery and picked up the child she had been trying so hard to love. She held him close and watched as he began to rouse from his nap. He began to cry.

"Ssh." She said as she held him close. He continued to cry. She tried but she couldn't get him to quiet. God his crying. She couldn't deal with it. What kind of mother was she anyway – she couldn't get him to stop crying.

Pheobe came into the room, "Piper."

"Oh, I here – he'd probably rather have you anyway." Piper handed Chris to Pheobe and fled the room.

She ran back to her bedroom and sank onto the bed. "I can't even make my own baby stop crying. What the hell is the use."

She retreated back to the safeness of sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

"No."

"Piper, you need to."

"I can't."

"Look, we're in a hurry. You have to take care of Chris – or you can go take care of the club. Your choice."

"Can't Paige or Pheobe watch Chris?"

"Well, they thought you could use some time alone with your new son so they took Wyatt to the park."

"I can't go to the club Leo."

"Then you can watch Chris." Leo ended the conversation by orbing from the room.

Piper sank onto the bed. She could not believe her husband and sisters did this to her – did this to Chris. She couldn't take care of him. Not the way he deserved to be taken care of.

"Well maybe he won't even wake up and then I won't have to deal with this." She covered back up with the blanket. She attempted to sleep but worried she would miss the cries of her son – and let him down yet again.

Cries came from the baby monitor. Piper left the bedroom and walked toward the nursery. She picked up her son. "Ssh." She attempted to soothe him. "What's wrong?"

She checked him over – he didn't need a diaper, he didn't seem hungry. "You must want some attention kiddo?"

She cuddled with him and attempted to sing to him, but Chris continued to cry. Piper walked back to the crib and placed him back in it. She retreated back to her bedroom crying. "God, I can't do this, I can't even make him stop crying." She opened the door to her closet and sank into the corner.

She could hear the sounds of his crying on the baby monitor. "You don't need me. I'm just going to let you down anyway." She curled up in the corner of the closet. "I can't do this anymore. Maybe I need to get rid of him. Maybe I should just..."

She couldn't stand herself anymore. She just thought about killing her son.

She needed to feel pain. She needed to hurt herself the way she hurt others. She felt like she needed to die but knew she was too scared to follow through with that. She was worthless to anyone.

She left the closet and walked into the bathroom. She grabbed the disposable razor and broke it. She wrenched the razor blade from inside and returned to her hiding place in the closet.

She sank into the closet and realized Chris was still crying. She grabbed the razor blade and began to cut her left arm. Just a small cut. God it felt so much better. She was hurting - feeling the pain she was causing for Chris. It seemed like it was a little more even now. Chris couldn't hurt her – but she could hurt herself. She made another cut.


	4. Chapter 4

Piper stared at the marks on her arm. She needed to get these covered before the others got home. She wasn't ready to explain this to them.

Why would they care anyway? If they had cared they never would have left her alone with Chris – god why wouldn't he stop crying? She threw on a long sleeved shirt and returned to the nursery.

She picked up her youngest son and stared at him. "Stop crying." She demanded. "I don't know what to do – no one is home that does so you need to stop crying." She walked to the rocking chair in the corner and sat down.

Leo came running into the room – "are you guys alright? The neighbors called my cell phone and told me the baby has been crying for more than an hour!"

"Well, I guess you better just take him then – we sure wouldn't want to upset the neighbors."

Leo stopped and looked at the picture before him. "You keep him. You two look like you are doing just fine."

"No – you take him, before I screw something else up." She shoved the baby at her husband and fled from the room.

She desperately wanted to return to the sanctity of her room. But god, she was so sick of being depressed and wanted to do something about it. She fled to the kitchen, a place where she had been most comfortable in the past – but when she got there, supper was cooked and the kitchen was clean. "They don't need me here either." She thought.

"Piper?" asked Pheobe as she entered the room to check on supper. "You're up?"

"Yes. I'm up. I can go back to bed though since it looks like you guys can handle everything without me."

"No, honey, that's not what I meant." Pheobe started.

"It is what I meant though." Piper said, "You guys don't need me."

"Of course we need you. Everyone in this house needs you. You are very important to a lot of people – not to mention the whole saving the world thing."

"Look, just leave me alone. I don't want to deal with this."  
  
"Piper, did you ever think about seeing a psychiatrist?"

"Not going to happen."

"It might make you feel better."

"No."

"Can I ask why?"  
  
"No."

"Will you let me know if you change your mind?"

"Yes."

Piper left the room. She wanted to be alone. She needed to be alone.

"You need to snap out of this. You can't stay like this forever."

Great, Paige was joining in the frenzy now. They were never going to leave her alone.  
  
"You two don't know anything about this. Everyone in this house would be better off without me and I'm just starting to realize it. There is so much shit going on in my head that you guys don't even want to know about – that I can't tell you about."

"Try us." Paige said.

"Fine, do you know that I was watching Chris cry today and I thought about putting a pillow over his head to stop him? Do you know how close I came to killing the child?"

"Piper, how could you even think that?"  
  
"I knew you would react that way – judge me by my thoughts. It's really none of your business anyway, I don't know why I told you."

"But Piper, he's your son."

"Not to me." She left the room and returned to the sanctity of her bedroom, praying her sisters wouldn't follow her.

"I hate myself." She whispered, "I wish I would just die."

She grabbed the razor blade from her pocket and pulled up her sleeve.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Thank you to everyone for reviewing this story – it is not going to end as a happy story and I just wanted to warn anyone still reading this of that fact. Much of this is based on things I have felt and gone through in my past – and some I still am going through. Anyway, I just don't plan for it to end on a happy note.

They all thought she had turned a corner – that she was better. She had been a perfect mother, sister, and wife for weeks. She had gotten out of bed and returned to the life she had left behind when this all began. Piper was once again the person they knew before.

The family had gone shopping. She told them that she was going to stay home and cook them a nice meal for supper. She assured them that she was fine and just wanted to do something nice for her family.

She sat alone at the kitchen table with a bag of ice, a towel, and a knife. Everyone was gone and she wasn't feeling better. Cutting wasn't enough anymore – it didn't give her the rush it used to – it wasn't working to solve her problems. She needed something else.

She had been planning this for days. She was tired of lying to everyone about what was going on. Tired of telling everyone she was fine. Tired of pretending. She was just tired.

She brought the bag of ice to her arm. She left the ice on her arm for several minutes – it would numb soon. She watched as one of the veins in her arm came to the surface – she wondered what it would look like. She wondered what it would feel like to reach in with the blade of her knife and pull that vein out to the light.

She took the knife and cut – horizontally – she wasn't looking to die – not yet – she just wanted to know what it would look like, what it would feel like. She wanted to know if it would be enough – or if anything would be.

She went deeper into her arm – she was looking to find that vein and pull it to the surface. She felt somehow like if she could see that vein – she would know she was human. Her blood was the same as everyone else's. She was no worse of a person because blood is the same.

She couldn't find the vein. It didn't even hurt anymore. The ice helped numb the pain and now she felt like she had gotten beyond the pain and it didn't matter anymore.

Blood began to spurt. She didn't care. It was interesting to watch. It made her feel better to see that. She grabbed the towel – she needed to see her vein – it was becoming an obsession and she wasn't going to stop until she saw it.

She found the vein with the edge of her knife and brought it within view. It looked different than she had expected. She stared at it and tried to move it around. She began to wish she had not used the ice – she had been planing to cut deeply – but she wished she could feel some pain. She wanted to feel something again – even pain. This wasn't enough.

She put the knife down and placed the towel over her cut to help stop the bleeding. She knew basic first aid. She applied pressure to the wound and elevated it. But it was still bleeding.

She thought about taking the knife and cutting more deeply – ending it. Taking the initiative and finishing this before things got any worse. She couldn't. She was scared. She knew there was an afterlife. She believed in a higher power but she was scared. And that made her feel foolish and ashamed. She didn't even have the personal strength to kill herself.

She moved to get up from the table. She felt a little dizzy and lightheaded – the towel was red. She knew she had lost a lot of blood. Her arm had opened back up – she was bleeding again.

She watched as the blood came from her arm in a stream. She was fascinated by the color, the texture, even the flow. She didn't want it to end. Her head was spinning, she was seeing spots.

Piper fell to the floor – unconscious.


	6. Chapter 6

"Piper, do you want to kill yourself?" the therapist asked.

"You know what? I do. Every once in a while I'm too scared to do it, but I think I'm ready. I can't handle my feelings anymore – especially when everyone is telling me it's wrong to feel like I do."

"Feelings are not wrong, Piper. Feelings are feelings. No matter how you feel, it isn't wrong, it just is. Now, before I can let you go, I need to know if you are going to be a continued danger to yourself."  
  
"Look. I am going to be fine. I will not do anything drastic without talking to someone first."

"What about cutting on yourself?"

"I will stop that too."

"Ok. I want to see you on Thursday though. Can we meet on Thursday."  
  
"Don't you have more important people to see?"  
  
"It is very important to you and your family that I see you on Thursday."  
  
"Fine."

She got up and moved to leave the office. "And Piper?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Please follow through with what you told me."  
  
"Fine."  
  
She left the office. The psychiatrist was concerned. He didn't believe she was done, but had nothing to hold her on. He couldn't contact her family because she had made no verbal threats to harm herself or others. She admitted a desire to kill herself – but many people feel that desire at some point in their lives. He continued to consider this for a few minutes. Until his next patient arrived then his thoughts moved on to other matters.

"I can't believe you made me come here."  
  
"Piper, honey, we're worried about you. We came home and found you on the floor bleeding for god's sake – and it was something you did to yourself – you need help. This can't happen again." Pheobe stated.

"Look. I am feeling the way I am feeling. There is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. It's not right – it's not wrong, it just is – and it won't change until I can let it."

"What do you mean, until you can let it?" Leo asked.

"Later." Piper stated, "I just want to go home – out of this waiting room."

They stepped into the hallway – made sure no one was around and orbed back to the manor.

"Ok, now what do you mean?" Leo asked again.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You started – finish."

Piper sat on the couch. "I can't change my thoughts and feelings because I'm not ready to. I believe how I feel is right. I hate myself, I hate my life, hell, I even hate my children."  
  
"Piper don't say that..." Pheobe started.

"Look. If you want me to talk, shut up and let me talk. You need to stop telling me that I can't feel a certain way or that I can't say things I feel. I feel them and I think them. Just because you tell me I shouldn't it isn't going to stop and it isn't going to change anything."

"Continue?" Leo requested.

Piper sighed, "I know that to make things better, I need to take some steps and make some changes. But, because I know it doesn't mean I can do it."

"Why not?" Paige asked.

"All I want to do is go upstairs and bury myself under blankets and pretend I don't exist. I can't work on anything unless I can get past that. I can't work on anything until I want to – and that isn't going to happen until I can stop hating myself so much."

"Piper."  
  
"No. I am going to go upstairs. Please leave me alone for a while."

"Are you ok?"  
  
"Do you mean am I going to hurt myself? I don't plan on it yet."

"Yet?"

"Take what you can get. One step at a time."  
  
"Ok."  
  
Piper started up the stairs toward her room. "Honey?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Leo."  
  
She continued up the stairs and entered her room. She got into the bed and fell asleep for the first time in weeks without reaching for her razor blade.


	7. Chapter 7

Piper debated a lot of philosophy to herself sometimes. She wondered if it was a good way to live her life when she was faking things. She hid her real feelings to protect the feelings of others. She ignored how she was feeling to make others believe she was ok – but was it right?

Did it matter anyway? What is life really? What was her life? Did it even really belong to her? She was raising the most powerful being in the world – possibly to be evil. She was committed to fighting evil on a daily basis and had to work her ass off to make sure that her children were safe. What life did she really have?

She spent a lot of time in her room when her family thought she was sleeping – or taking a nap. She didn't sleep anymore – she couldn't remember the last time she slept but she knew she must have for at least a little while. It just seems like she spent every night for weeks lying in bed with her thoughts – and fears.

She left the area with the laundry she had folded and took it up the stairs to put it away.

"Piper! Help!" she heard coming from downstairs.

She sighed to herself and started down the stairs. She saw a creature in the living room throwing something at her sisters. She blew him up with one flick of the wrist. "Was that really that hard? I have laundry to do."

She walked back up the stairs. Another demon. Since she'd had her second son there was at least one attack every day. She wasn't sure she could keep her sons safe anymore – but then, she wasn't sure she could keep anyone safe.

She returned to putting the laundry in the drawer. She decided to make her bed. Doing housework made her feel like she had a purpose, if nothing else, she could take pride in the fact that her house was a clean place.

God that was so pathetic.

She stopped making the bed, instead opting to sit on it. She thought about what she had always dreamed of being when she was a kid and wondered why she had strayed from that path. She thought maybe her dreams had changed as she was growing older. Now she was wondering if she was just fooling herself and she lost her chance at the life she should have had.

She was stuck. People thought they needed her. They hadn't figured out they could do everything she could do for themselves, and sometimes better. They didn't really need her – and she truly believed they knew that deep down inside – they just didn't want to admit it because they knew she was right.

She had stopped seeing the psychiatrist. Her family thought she was feeling fine so they didn't argue with her. She had decided it was a waste of time – she told her family she didn't need to go – they accepted her decision.

God she wanted to be normal again.

She couldn't be. She knew it. She could never go back to the way things were – she was done, her life was over, her choices weren't her own anymore.

She finished making the bed. At least she wouldn't get into it if it was made – she needed to stay up and moving. She didn't want to think about things too much. Whenever she did, things started to go to hell again.

Keeping busy was here way of coping. She knew she was just avoiding everything and would have to come back and deal with it later but she needed to do something. Piper knew she still wasn't feeling right but she was so sick of everyone watching over her, tiptoeing around her – she would fake her way through anything if it would get them to leave her alone.

She left the bedroom and walked toward the nursery. It was quiet, probably both kids were sleeping. She wished she could get rid of them sometimes. If she didn't have kids, she would just pack up her car and disappear. No one would have to know where she was... but she couldn't do that to her kids. Even if she didn't...

She chastised herself for thinking about this stuff. She had to go find something to do – she was thinking too much again. She'd make dinner. Or cookies... something.

She passed by a mirror in the hallway and paused. She used to think she was pretty. She used to think she had a sparkle in her eyes that made her beautiful. She didn't feel that sparkle anymore – she barely remembered the last time she did.

She wasn't proud of herself for how she was living her life anymore – she just needed to do it. She knew other people lived like this, but she never thought her life would come to this.  
  
She continued her way to the kitchen. Her sisters were in the kitchen. She hated small talk anymore. It all seemed so stupid and she had to act like she was interested. But it was better than listening to her sisters obsess over her and her fluctuating emotions.

"Hi Piper." Paige started. "We were just talking about Pheobe's column."

"Oh yeah? What's going on?"  
  
Piper nodded and made comments as they were talking to her. It was something stupid again – god she just wanted to make cookies or something...

She pulled the ingredients from the cupboard. Her sisters had left the kitchen. Silence was good. She couldn't do anything right. People weren't counting on her for anything. But then – she didn't want anyone to count on her for anything. Why should they?

She couldn't do it anymore. She wouldn't do it anymore. She had a plan.


	8. Chapter 8

Piper sat in her bedroom with the pill bottles she had taken from the bathroom. She was ready this time. She was done.

She knew what time her family was due back. She made sure no one would check on her because they thought she was at her therapy appointment. It would work – no one would stop her and she wouldn't chicken out this time.

She had a glass of water next to her. She took a handful of pills. She got those down pretty easily. She wasn't sure what combination of drugs it would take to kill her so she decided she would take a pretty large variety. She took several pills out of a different bottle and waited.

She didn't feel anything. Nothing good – nothing bad. For the first time in a long time she didn't feel anything. It was the best feeling in the world – nothing.

She took some more pills. She was scared she would screw up this too and wind up with brain damage or something just as bad. Anything that wasn't dead wasn't going to work.

She did feel badly that she was doing this. She wasn't sure that anyone knew she had gotten to this point. She knew they would blame themselves. But she also knew they would be there for each other and take care of each other and get over it.

Just as they had gotten over death so many times before.

She was beginning to feel pretty tired. She decided to take a few more pills and then she would lie down.

Within a few minutes, Piper fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

In the moments between life and death you have some opportunity to reflect upon yourself and the choices you have made.

She knew that she had done some good things – that she had done things for others and had made the world a better place. But it didn't matter in the long run. She felt like she had failed at her life. She couldn't let go of the things that don't matter. She couldn't move on. Somewhere inside of her she knew that she didn't want to – didn't have the energy and didn't know how to be the person she used to be.

Her life didn't matter anymore.


End file.
